The (not so) Magnificent 7

Here is kickoutthejam’s patent pending guide to the upcoming contest to find an occupant for the empty ghost estate in the Phoenix Park – social housing Ireland style.

Sean Gallagher

There are some well known facts about Gallagher – he’s bald and he lives in a Den. What isn’t so well known is the fact that he’s a former Fianna Fail  party member, eh? Oh. Well, its not so well known that he’s a failed entrepreneur who has left quite a few debts in his time, whats that? Oh. Very well, few people know that Gallagher admires Denis O’Brien – tax exile, Moriarty Tribunal star and creator of untold misery, jobs, sorry? Oh. Ok then, what is definitely not so well known is why so many people have been hoodwinked by a media hound into thinking that we need a President that is going to create jobs. Gallagher will create one job – for himself with a very large pension at the end of it. He won’t be able to interfere in the economy thankfully, given his and Fianna Fail’s track record in that department. Why vote for him? Obvious, we need a slaphead as President, now if we could just find two mates for him we’d have the beginnings of another top rating RTE show. An Irish version of William Hague. Knows his way around brown envelopes. Has difficulty remembering stuff.

Michael D Higgins

Serial Galway man. I’ll resist the temptation to call him a gnome, when he is so obviously a fairy dispensing pixie dust, in Irish. Reminds me of this Randy Newman song. Has a long and proven track record of wittering on incessantly, regardless of the topic of conversation – terrible man to have in a round when its last orders. Apparently he is old but for fucks sake everyone in the West looks that ancient. Had something to do with Macnas, for that alone he should be flogged. Likes U2, also deserving of a flogging. On a positive note, he does write poetry but, lets face it, most of it is pure shite.

Martin McGuinness

Peacemaker, so should be blessed. Has an immediate advantage in that he is used to taking oaths. Lost his P45 from the Army Council so is not too sure when exactly he resigned. The only one to show any decorum in taking all the shite that has been hurled at him and that has been a lot of shite from just about all parts of society and the media. Can talk to Peter Robinson – without feeling the need to punch his lights out. Major fault – supports Derry City.

David Norris

The camp, comic candidate. The mellifluous scholar rarely uses one word when a combined dictionary and thesaraus can be shoe horned into a sound-bite. He is, famously, a man of letters – none of which he can use in single syllable words. Like Michael D, he has published poetry, none of which anyone has ever read, not even himself.  He left the Presidential race early to stamp his feet and sulk in the corner. After finding the attention he was looking for Norris re-entered the race where everyone promptly ignored him. Has worn cravats. Likes fried liver.

Mary Davis

The lady in red, an appropriate colour considering the state of the economy. Can’t open her mouth without saying Special Olympics. Been on more boards than Greg Louganis.  Not unfamiliar with the airbrush. Thinks that Denis O’Brien is a suitable person for membership of the Council of State. Nuff said.

Gay Mitchell

No, there won’t be a gay up the Aras. Mitchell is the angriest man in politics, liable to take offence at the most trivial detail – he is  rude and obnoxious and they’re just his good qualities. Overall a complete dick. Even his own party hates him. I admit to previous with Mitchell, he was invited to speak at a residents meeting opposed to high-rise development in Dublin 12 and called me a shinner – now I’ve been many things and been called many things but a shinner? Think Buzz might be tickled by that. Mitchell is advised by Terri Prone (a communications expert, apparently) who possibly should be sacked. He thinks the Presidential office requires someone with dignity, diplomacy and tact so that rules him out.

Dana

Professional Catholic. Holds no truck with abortion, gay marriage or trucks. Afraid to ask her brother about his, em, difficulties. Breda O’Brien, from the even more reactionary wing of Catholicism thinks that she should withdraw from the race and with friends like that… Might be interesting to see what the other member of the Irish Catholic Trinity- John Waters – thinks, then again, life’s too fucking short. I’m resisting the temptation to throw in an obvious reference to all kinds of everything when she is, in fact, no kind of anything. Possibly should be sectioned.

So there you have it, one of the most insipid line-ups ever for an election to the supposed highest post in the land. The only saving grace is that Gay Byrne isn’t in the race, I think that would finish us off for good. There should possibly be an eighth option – none of the above, lets do without a President for a while and see if the sky falls in. We are a bankrupt country economically, morally and politically and if this is the best we can do then we are truly fucked. You might want to go and lie down for the next seven years.

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Your Cheatin’ Heart

If you were in hospital, really sick, maybe terminal who would you trust to comfort you, perhaps help cure you or at least make things more bearable? How about these fine people, carrying round a 500 year old, desiccated heart?

Although I’m not sure if they’re coming to help or to hurry you on your way.

Now ordinarily the daily goings on of the superstitious would not bother me or cause me too much concern unless they were breaking the law or waking me up early on a Sunday. However, these scary looking oddbods have been getting getting a police escort since the non-beating heart arrived in Ireland.

Why is the state paying good money to guard a piece of Catholic mythology? Surely the church has enough funds to pay for a couple of bouncers for a few weeks? I’m assuming that the police were just guarding the relic and not affording it full blown diplomatic status cos that would be just plain silly. After all, its not as if the ex-organ can actually do anything, what with its previous owner being dead for half a millenium. For those of you who, however misguidedly, think that there is something to this mumbo-jumbo you can do a google search to find where the lifeless, bloodless husk will be making its next appearance. For those of you with a more realistic view of the world you might want to check this out tomorrow – Atheist Ireland AGM.

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Real, Real Gone…

It was probably Harold Wilson, well known pipe-smoker and adulterer, that said, “a week is a long time in politics”. But even ‘Arold would have choked on his Kendal Dark Shag at the goings on in Irish politics in the last while.

First we had George ‘Glee’ Lee deciding that his all-singing, all-dancing skills were being wasted in the chorus line of Enda’s Entertainment Troop. George is currently appearing at a church near you in the lead role of Jesus Christ, I’m a Celebrity Economist, Count Me the Fuck Out of Here.

Then we had Deirdre de Niqab Burca, with an uncanny inability to connect with an electorate, posting one of the most poisonous resignations since Roy Keane deserted in Saipan. Poor old Deirdre, can’t even be recycled to Europe.

Next was the armour-plated moustache that underwent a very close shave because of Boyle’s law tweet. Willie just couldn’t keep it up anymore and went off quietly into the night. Yeah, right, he did more moaning than a Trinity graduate on Frontline.

Finally, it was Trevor Sargent, busted down to private. The former ex-leader of the Greens proved that the Minister for Horticulture was the biggest cabbage of the lot.

And what would Wilson have made of this sorry lot? He probably would have asked Captain Mainwaring, “do you think thats wise?”…

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Begging for it

From Dermot Ahern’s (Minister for Injustice, Xenophobia and Jail-for-All) website:

There are various reasons why the law on begging needs to be reformed, not least the fact that some vulnerable members of the public are often fearful when approached on the street by individuals begging.

Intimidation and threats of violence are sometimes used by these people and women and the elderly are often fearful for their own personal safety.

At last he’s doing something about politician’s begging canvassing for our votes…

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Overdrawn Directors Continue Earning

So long, suckers...

Jim Flavin must be laughing up his very expensive designer shirt sleeves today. The state regulator on all things corporate, the ODCE (Only Dickheads Can Enter), has decided that Flavin is a model upright citizen and a shining example to us all. In 2008 Paul Appelby, head of the ODCE (Our Directors Completely Exonerated), had established an investigation into Jimbo and his mates in DCC (Duping Cretinous Counsel) led by an SC (Superior Carrion) Bill Shipsey.

Obviously Shipsey’s report must come as some surprise to the five judges of the Supreme Court who ruled that the Fyffe’s trading information that Jimbo held was price sensitive and would have a negative effect on Fyffe’s share price. For more background, Ireland.com has a timeline of the important events.

Apparently, Shipsey based his findings on a cosy wee chat with Jimbo and found him to be an extremely nice man, kind to animals and good with children. Indeed, Jimbo didn’t realise the information he possessed was price sensitive or would have an effect on Fyffe’s shares. And who could doubt that finding? After all, Jimbo has only a mere thirty-odd years share dealing experience and wouldn’t know all the finickity little laws around directors’ responsibilities and could hardly spell insider dealing. In fact, it’s a wonder that the ODCE (Organising Dances: Creating Enjoyment) would even make a fuss about a ensuring our corporate laws were upheld, sure its only the Supreme Court that was bothered about this little matter in the first place.

Now that Jimbo has been given a gold star, expect him to be named as the head of the banking inquiry.

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Sunday, em Wednesday Miscellany

Natural Selection
The 2009 Darwin Awards Nominees are up, check out
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2009.html
. My own favourite is the woman that died trying to save her moped.

Remote Control
With a bit of luck the Government will miss Gabon’s reform of Civil Service lunch breaks. It’s interesting that in what is supposed to be a knowledge economy that there is such a reluctance to have Civil Servants avail of teleworking. The Department of Finance claims that it is too expensive to equip our homes with office furniture and that there are health and safety issues (our houses become more deadly if we work there, apparently). And there is also a concern about remote linking to Departmental computer systems. However, if we really want a flexible work force equipped to deal with the demands of a fast changing society then we need to look at this type of working. Taking the last few days into account I wonder how many civil and public servants availed of annual or flexi leave to avoid battling the elements to work. At least if they had the option of teleworking they would have been productive.

End Credits
It’s always sad when people who we respect have to take their leave but the last week saw two of my particular (and peculiar) favourites take their final bow. Michael Dwyer has been one of the more interesting and knowledgeable film critics of the past 25 years or so. I remember coming across him first in the In Dublin magazine many years ago and when he established the Dublin Film Festival with Myles Dungan. While I might not have agreed with everything he wrote I did admire his style of writing and the way he supported the film industry in Ireland. He was particularly good at interviewing film makers and the last time I saw him was at the 2007 Dublin International Film Festival when he presented Gabriel Byrne with a Volta and the following interview was fascinating. Dwyer set the bar for critics and he will be sadly missed although Daniel Day-Lewis said during his eulogy that he was relieved that Michael Dwyer never got round to seeing ‘Nine‘.

Another who turned his last sod was the landscape gardener John Cushnie. Cushnie had been part of Gardeners’ Question Time on BBC Radio 4 for the last fifteen years. GQT is a typically English institution, combining wisdom with wit and eccentricity. Cushnie could be forthright in his opinions but he had a wicked sense of humour and wasn’t afraid to send himself or his fellow panelists up. As a working gardener he had a real insight into the struggles of the (extremely) amateur genus.

Bow the Knee
Biffo is a creationist. He’s also a master of spin – at a time when we are dramatically cutting our aid to Africa he is patting himself on the back about the work we are going to do to help prevent climate change in the third world. We would have been better served if Biffo had pointed out the inadequacies of the Pope’s response to the Ryan and Murphy reports of 2009. In fact we would have been better served if Biffo had just kept his big mouth shut.

We are all individuals
Bit of a kerfuffle over at Twenty.

Jehovah
Apparently, it is now illegal to blaspheme in Ireland.

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Not Another Monetary Albatross

Lenihan on his white elephant

Just when you thought that things couldn’t get worse. We’ve had paedophile priests protected by their bishops, rapists hailed as heroes and Roddy Collins coming back to bury manage Cork City. Now we see NAMA – the Batmobile of the finance minister – will be run by a selection of heavyweight idiots, most of whom were involved in getting us into the economic mire that we’re in. Here are seven of the illustrious appointees, no doubt on salaries and expenses commensurate with their abilities.

Arthur Frank Daly: Chairman of the Revenue Commissioners from March 2002 to March 2008. He was formerly Accountant General of Revenue and Head of Strategic and Business Planning. Obviously the strategy and planning involved aping the policy of Nero and fiddling while the economy burned.

Eilish Finan: the former Chief Financial Officer of AIG Global Investments. Would this be the same AIG that US taxpayers had to bail out to the tune of about $185m? Should be used to pissing our money up against the wall then.

Michael Connolly: a former member of the Bank of Ireland senior management team and member of Financial Services Ombudsman Council. So, double the experience of being part of a completely useless and fucked up organisation. Welcome to (more of) our money.

Peter Stewart: Managing Director of O’Donovan Stewart & Company – firm of chartered accountants and a Fellow of the Institute of Chartered Accountants in Ireland. Director of a broad range of companies including a bank and an investment intermediary company regulated by the Central Bank of Ireland. The key word in the last sentence is ‘regulated’.

Brian McEnery: senior partner in Horwath Bastow Charleton specialising in corporate finance and Corporate Recovery – and has experience in dealing with the Corporate Enforcement and ODCE aspects of insolvency cases. National adviser to the INHO (Irish Nursing Home Organisation) – should be used to fleecing looking after old peoples money.

Willie Soffe: Chairman of the Dublin Transportation Office and former County Manager of Fingal County Council. Isn’t it great that we can get around Dublin so easily now?

Stephen Seelig: Advisor in the IMF’s Monetary and Capital Markets Department. The bloke who said, “The drafting of the determination of ‘long-term economic value of bank assets’ is masterful. It is both sufficiently specific and sufficiently vague to allow appropriate flexibility. I hope you can retain this language.” This bloke has a bright future, unlike our economy.

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Irritable Cowell Syndrome

walsh, cowell, minogue, cole and the entity that is Jedward

It comes to something when a middle-aged talent(less) scout with a scowl for a face starts hogging the political headlines. We now have not one but two heads of government who think they’re down with the kids by giving us their view on Jedward. Forget the economic crisis, forget NAMA, forget the slaughter in Afghanistan. No, we need to know what Gordon Brown and Biffo think of two rejects from Joe 90.

What is it about so-called reality TV that most of the country (or two countries in this case) is so addicted to it? Do people watch it because they genuinely think that the performers are really talented and deserve a break? Or is there an element of hoping some of them really fuck up and totally embarrass themselves? And why would anyone put themselves forward to be abused, mocked and slagged off by four fucking idiots with about as much idea of what constitutes talent as an amoeba? People are breaking down in tears because they want to be famous. Well, here’s an easier way – get yourself an assault rifle and take out an army base. Ok, you might end up shot but your name will live on longer than Susan Boyle. Or easier still, get a can of petrol, go down to the X Factor TV studios and set yourself alight. Try and get Louis Walsh to give you a hug as you do so and make sure you do it in time for the 9 o’clock news.

The bloody performers are bad enough but what, seriously, is Dannii Minogue? A failed singer, a failed actress and the runt of the Minogue litter. She wouldn’t even  be able to catch a high-profile illness in order to save her career. As for Cheryl ‘I can mime really well me’ Cole, she gets accolades because her singing voice doesn’t sound as if she’s downed a crate of Newcastle Brown Ale. Lets face it, she’s not even the best looker in her marriage. Then there’s Walsh and Cowell –  they should just accept the fact that all the constant arguments and bickering just means that they are made for each other, don’t deny your sexuality lads.

The two strutting marionettes struggling to sing while jerking wildly round the stage are just your younger idiot brothers showing off in the vain attempt that someone might think them cute. They are about as cute and slick as dysentery and are as good an advert for safe sex as you can get. Its not even as if their hairstyles are anything new. Did anyone else endure the 80s and this shower? Now that’s how to get your hair to stand up and pay attention. Jedward are just the lowest common denominator when it comes to popular culture and that’s bloody low in an era of Peter Andre. You don’t need talent, you just need a hook and backing from a gormless, moonfaced twat like Louis Walsh.

X Factor was shown up for the money grabbing, hypocritical nonsense that it is on Sunday when Cowell decided to “save” Jedward. Cowell knows where the money tree is and he’s bringing his chainsaw to chop it down.

Now where did I put that hairspray and fake tan. Come on folks, vote for me cos my teminally ill son/wife/mother really needs me to be famous…

 

Here’s an early version of Jedward:

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