Here is kickoutthejam’s patent pending guide to the upcoming contest to find an occupant for the empty ghost estate in the Phoenix Park – social housing Ireland style.
Sean Gallagher
There are some well known facts about Gallagher – he’s bald and he lives in a Den. What isn’t so well known is the fact that he’s a former Fianna Fail party member, eh? Oh. Well, its not so well known that he’s a failed entrepreneur who has left quite a few debts in his time, whats that? Oh. Very well, few people know that Gallagher admires Denis O’Brien – tax exile, Moriarty Tribunal star and creator of untold misery, jobs, sorry? Oh. Ok then, what is definitely not so well known is why so many people have been hoodwinked by a media hound into thinking that we need a President that is going to create jobs. Gallagher will create one job – for himself with a very large pension at the end of it. He won’t be able to interfere in the economy thankfully, given his and Fianna Fail’s track record in that department. Why vote for him? Obvious, we need a slaphead as President, now if we could just find two mates for him we’d have the beginnings of another top rating RTE show. An Irish version of William Hague. Knows his way around brown envelopes. Has difficulty remembering stuff.
Michael D Higgins
Serial Galway man. I’ll resist the temptation to call him a gnome, when he is so obviously a fairy dispensing pixie dust, in Irish. Reminds me of this Randy Newman song. Has a long and proven track record of wittering on incessantly, regardless of the topic of conversation – terrible man to have in a round when its last orders. Apparently he is old but for fucks sake everyone in the West looks that ancient. Had something to do with Macnas, for that alone he should be flogged. Likes U2, also deserving of a flogging. On a positive note, he does write poetry but, lets face it, most of it is pure shite.
Martin McGuinness
Peacemaker, so should be blessed. Has an immediate advantage in that he is used to taking oaths. Lost his P45 from the Army Council so is not too sure when exactly he resigned. The only one to show any decorum in taking all the shite that has been hurled at him and that has been a lot of shite from just about all parts of society and the media. Can talk to Peter Robinson – without feeling the need to punch his lights out. Major fault – supports Derry City.
David Norris
The camp, comic candidate. The mellifluous scholar rarely uses one word when a combined dictionary and thesaraus can be shoe horned into a sound-bite. He is, famously, a man of letters – none of which he can use in single syllable words. Like Michael D, he has published poetry, none of which anyone has ever read, not even himself. He left the Presidential race early to stamp his feet and sulk in the corner. After finding the attention he was looking for Norris re-entered the race where everyone promptly ignored him. Has worn cravats. Likes fried liver.
Mary Davis
The lady in red, an appropriate colour considering the state of the economy. Can’t open her mouth without saying Special Olympics. Been on more boards than Greg Louganis. Not unfamiliar with the airbrush. Thinks that Denis O’Brien is a suitable person for membership of the Council of State. Nuff said.
Gay Mitchell
No, there won’t be a gay up the Aras. Mitchell is the angriest man in politics, liable to take offence at the most trivial detail – he is rude and obnoxious and they’re just his good qualities. Overall a complete dick. Even his own party hates him. I admit to previous with Mitchell, he was invited to speak at a residents meeting opposed to high-rise development in Dublin 12 and called me a shinner – now I’ve been many things and been called many things but a shinner? Think Buzz might be tickled by that. Mitchell is advised by Terri Prone (a communications expert, apparently) who possibly should be sacked. He thinks the Presidential office requires someone with dignity, diplomacy and tact so that rules him out.
Dana
Professional Catholic. Holds no truck with abortion, gay marriage or trucks. Afraid to ask her brother about his, em, difficulties. Breda O’Brien, from the even more reactionary wing of Catholicism thinks that she should withdraw from the race and with friends like that… Might be interesting to see what the other member of the Irish Catholic Trinity- John Waters – thinks, then again, life’s too fucking short. I’m resisting the temptation to throw in an obvious reference to all kinds of everything when she is, in fact, no kind of anything. Possibly should be sectioned.
So there you have it, one of the most insipid line-ups ever for an election to the supposed highest post in the land. The only saving grace is that Gay Byrne isn’t in the race, I think that would finish us off for good. There should possibly be an eighth option – none of the above, lets do without a President for a while and see if the sky falls in. We are a bankrupt country economically, morally and politically and if this is the best we can do then we are truly fucked. You might want to go and lie down for the next seven years.
